Carmen’s Advice

Dear Carmen,

What does it feel like to be bullied?

– M., 6th Grade

Dear M.

I want you to imagine that you are at school, going about your day, attending classes, trying to learn and maybe have fun with your friends at recess. At some point during the day, someone you thought was a friend or maybe even someone you don’t know makes a joke about you and everyone laughs. Or maybe someone spreads a rumor about you or takes your backpack and spills it all over the hallway. And while not everybody laughs, nobody does anything to help stop the teasing or any other bullying that is done to you. You try to ignore it, but it keeps happening. You go to the person who has made you feel bad and ask them to stop, but they won’t. They just keep making you feel bad. You know that when you come to school tomorrow, the same things will happen.

Those are the kinds of days that kids who are being bullied experience. Because of the bullying, someone might not want to go to school or anywhere the bullying might take place. In addition, kids who are bullied have trouble sleeping, eating, doing well in school, and these things can lead to even more serious consequences.

If you or anyone you know is being bullied, please go to an adult you trust right away and tell them what is going on. That is very important to do because most bullying will not stop until a caring adult gets involved. Also – tell everyone you know that no one deserves to be bullied, no one, not for any reason.

Dear Carmen,

Our friends are bullying some people. We want to stop it, but we don’t want them to get mad at us and then bully us!

– V., L. & F., Year Six

Dear V., L. & F.

I’m really happy that you want to change the bullying that is going on around you. That is great. I have some tips for you and they don’t involve getting in the bullies’ faces and making them mad.

First, go to the person or persons being bullied. Tell them that you know what is happening and that you know it is bullying. Tell them that they don’t deserve to be bullied, that no one does. Encourage them to speak to an adult they trust – this is actually the most important thing they can do. A caring adult really needs to be involved so that the bullying will stop.

Next, offer that you three will be allies for that person or persons being bullied. Being an ally means you’ll stand with that person so that they are never alone and you’ll support them, too. Invite them to sit with you at lunch or hang with you at recess. People who are being bullied feel very alone and this will go a long way to making them feel better. You three could make this person – and anyone being bullied – feel like they belong at your school or in the group.

After that, you might want to do some organizing at your school. Make a bullying prevention club or create an event for National Bullying Prevention Month (October) or Unity Day (October 19th). You don’t have to say anything to the bullies – just try and get as many people involved as possible and they might just come right along with you. Here’s a link to some ideas on our website: http://www.pacerteensagainstbullying.org/tab/take-action/ Let me know how it goes!

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

We’re getting blamed for someone else’s bullying. What do we do?

– T., 7th grade

Dear T.,

I’m really sorry that this is happening to you. Being blamed for something you haven’t done feels awful and it’s frustrating if it keeps happening, that’s for sure.

I want you to find an adult you trust and tell them all about what’s been happening to you and your friends. The idea of doing this might make you nervous, but it’s the most important step to take if you want things to get better. When you speak to the adult you have to try as hard as you can to speak calmly about what’s happening to you, even if it makes you mad or upset, so that your story can be understood. Here’s a really great thing to take with you when you talk to the adult: (Student Action Plan). This is an action plan that will help you think through what’s going on and what you might do about it. I really think that if you go to an adult, show them this plan, and ask them to help you, you will be listened to in a different way. Let people see that you really want things to change and get better.

I hope this situation is resolved soon, but it may take some time. While you’re working through everything, please let everyone at your school know that no one deserves to be bullied, not for any reason. This is an important message for everyone!

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

Why do bullies pick on certain people?

– Davina, 5th grade

Dear Davina,

This is such an interesting question and one that unfortunately doesn’t have a perfect answer. We don’t always know why people bully or why they pick certain people to bully because bullying can happen to anyone. The best answer I can give you is to tell you the most common reasons why a person might be chosen as a bullying target. (While you’re reading this please know that even if someone has these risk factors, it doesn’t mean they will be bullied.)

A person might be more of a bullying target if they:

• Are seen as physically different from others (overweight/underweight, wearing glasses or hearing aids, wearing the wrong” clothes, having a disability that makes them talk or walk differently)
• Are seen as weak or not able to fight back
• Are less popular and don’t have many friends
• Are depressed, anxious, or have low self-esteem
• Don’t get along well with others or are seen as annoying

Remember: no one deserves to be bullied, no matter what they look or act like. I hope that you will spread that message at your school and help make it a welcoming place for everybody!

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

What if the person bullying me needs help in order to stop bullying?

– Kennedy, 7th grade

Dear Kennedy,

Thank you for writing in — this is a question that shows me you’ve really been thinking about bullying from all angles. I really appreciate that you understand that the person bullying you needs help, too.

To really help the person being bullied and yourself, what you need to do first is find an adult you trust and tell them what’s going on. Tell the adult all you know about what’s happened and have them work with you to make a plan to stop the bullying and keep you safe. Focus on yourself first. You don’t deserve to be bullied, no matter what’s happening to the person who’s bullying you, so find an adult you can talk to right away. This will also be important for getting help to the person bullying you.

The person bullying you does need help. You’re correct about that. Getting the right adult involved is one of the ways that you can help both yourself and the person bullying you.

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

How do I control a bully?

– James, 8th grade

Dear James,

Thanks for writing in. If you’re being bullied, you have to know that you don’t deserve that treatment. No one does. I have some ideas for what you can do, but I’m not sure any of them will make you feel like you “control” the bully. What you can control is what YOU do, and that’s what I want you to think about.

The best thing that you can do is go to an adult you trust and tell them what’s been happening to you. This adult could be a parent, teacher, or even a coach. Just make sure it’s someone who will listen to you.

When you’re with the adult, make a plan for what you’re going to do next. Here’s a link to a plan that will help you think through what you might do (Student Action Plan). It really helps your thinking to work through the plan.

The other thing I want you to do is find people around you who could be your allies. An ally is someone who is really there for you, someone who actively supports you. Allies could be friends or classmates who will either stand up for you when the bullying is happening and/or will be a witness to what’s going on. Allies are really good to have! If you can’t think of anyone who might be an ally, then have the adult help you think about that, too.

I’m glad you wrote in – and I hope that these suggestions help make things better for you.

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

There is a lot of bullying at my school and around my town. I am doing a project about how not to bully but it is not helping what can i do now?

– Makenzie, 8th grade

Dear Makenzie,

First of all, thank you for working on behalf of bullying prevention. You saw that something needed to be done and you tried to help. I think you are wonderful.

Now, to make change in any community takes time. You may need to find some adults to help you or more allies from among your friends who also want to do something about the bullying going on around them. You may also need to adjust what you’re doing and try something else. I’m going to give you a few links so that you can see some group events that you might try to get going around your school and town. Remember: not everything is going to work with the people around you, but KEEP TRYING. You are doing the right thing.

Here are some activities you might try:

Peer (school) Projects

We Will Generation

You’re Not Alone

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

What can teachers do about bullying?

– Laura, 4th grade

Dear Laura,

Teachers can do a lot, but teachers can’t do much about bullying unless they know it’s going on. Once someone speaks up – the person who’s being bullied or someone who’s witnessed the bullying – then a teacher can do many different things, depending on the situation. First, the teacher can help the person who is being bullied by listening to that person’s description of what’s going on, when it’s happening, and who is involved. The teacher can make a plan with the student so that they know what to do next time something happens and so that they can feel safer at school. A teacher can also find some allies to stand-up for the kid being bullied. We know that when a friend tells someone who is bullying to stop that works pretty well. We also know that sometimes bullying situations won’t stop unless an adult (like a teacher) gets involved – things are just too complicated for a kid to figure out on their own. So, a teacher who cares can do a lot about bullying, if they know what’s going on. Hope this helps.

Carmen

Dear Carmen,

A so called friend has been bullying me and my friends a lot through cyberbullying us through text. It makes us break down and cry. Yesterday she told me that I need to grow up and let it go about the harsh words she said about my brother. I need help. Help me!

– Morgan, 6th grade

Dear Morgan,

Thanks for writing to me! I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing cyberbullying from a person you thought was your friend. No one deserves to be bullied, and it is so important and good that you are finding help. A lot of people think that if you are strong enough, you can just “let it go” about the harsh words she has been saying to you and about your brother. It sounds like she thinks this too, but I am here to say that is not the case! Being affected by others mean words does not mean you are weak. Finding help shows your courage! Since she has been sending mean words to your other friends as well, consider asking them to help end her bullying. It might not be the safest to approach her directly, so try telling a few adults that you trust. If your friends do this as well, pretty soon you will have a huge network of adults helping you and your friends. This could be an parent, a teacher, a school counselor, or a coach—just anyone who you feel comfortable with and trust. Remember to not directly retaliate against her and get angry. This does not help the situation and can often times make it worse and put you in more danger. If you are afraid that telling an adult, especially your parents, will cause them to take away your phone, make sure to tell them that it’s not the phone that’s the problem, but the “so called friend” that is hurting you. Perhaps even try blocking her number on your phone so she can’t contact you this way. Remember, it is never your fault that you are being bullied, and absolutely no one deserves to be treated this way. You have so much courage to know that this is a problem and to ask for help. Good luck!

Dear Carmen,

Laughing at someone who is being bullied by another would that make me a bully also?

– Aliyah, 11th grade

Dear Aliyah,

Thanks so much for writing to us. It’s always great to hear from students who care about bullying prevention. That is a great question – and one that a lot of students your age have. It can be really hard to take a hard look at our own behavior.

Students who witness bullying have a powerful role in the situation. The most important thing to do is not join in the bullying by laughing or supporting the student bullying. Having other people agree with the person who is bullying someone else can feel just as bad as the bullying itself. The truth is that you can really make a difference by not laughing; laughing is the same as joining in the bullying, and if you don’t laugh or support the person bullying, they might stop bullying because they aren’t getting the attention they want.

You have the power to stop the bullying situation right then and there. It’s important to remember that there are a lot of ways you can help and you can do what feels safe to you. The most effective way to stop a bullying situation is to show support for the student being bullied. You can do this by talking to them, telling them that what happened to them isn’t ok, or inviting them to join you in an activity. By reminding this student that he or she isn’t alone, you can make a huge difference. Bystanders can also help by telling an adult, since the student who is being bullied might not feel ready to do it themselves. Research shows that most bullying situations will stop when a peer intervenes. This doesn’t always mean confronting the student who’s bullying directly. You can show support for the target in a lot of different ways, but it’s important to let them know that they aren’t alone.

Dear Carmen,

Today at school, I heard a girl in my class saying really mean things to another girl. That girl is really quiet, and I felt bad for her. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want the mean girl to start picking on me. What can I do?

– Shanna, Wyoming, 3rd grade

Dear Shanna,

It’s great that you want to help other kids. I know that sticking up for another kid and trying to stop bullying can be scary. It’s not always easy. It takes courage! Here are some ideas for you. You can ask some friends to help you stick up for the quiet girl. You can talk to the girl who is being mean and tell her to leave the other girl alone. Tell her that what she’s saying isn’t nice. You can also tell her that it’s against the rules to bully. If that sounds a little too scary, you can help in another way. You can be nice to the girl being picked on. Ask her to play with you at recess or sit with you at lunch. Being nice to her will show her that she’s not alone. It will show other kids that someone cares about her. Then maybe not everyone will be mean to her. If you want to do something, I know you can do it! Good luck!

Dear Carmen,

Yesterday on the playground, a guy told me I couldn’t play kickball with him and the other guys. Then he threw the ball at me. He laughed when it hit my head. It really hurt. I told him to stop. He just laughed and ran away. I want to tell my teacher, but I’m afraid the other guys will think I’m a tattletale. Do I just have to deal with it on my own?

– Devon, California, 5th grade

Dear Devon,

No, you DON’T have to deal with it on your own. It took a lot of guts for you to stand up for yourself. But that didn’t work, so it’s time to find someone to join your team and back you up. You should always tell an adult if what you’re doing isn’t working, if you feel scared, or if someone is getting hurt. And you are NOT being a tattletale. A tattletale tells on someone to get them in trouble. You are telling an adult because you’re getting hurt. There’s a BIG difference. But if you’re afraid of what the other kids might think, talk to the teacher when no one else is around. Ask the teacher not to let anyone know you said anything. If your teacher doesn’t listen or doesn’t do anything, tell another adult! Tell your parents, a coach, or another teacher. Adults are supposed to keep you safe, but they can’t help if they don’t know what’s going on. So let them know!

Dear Carmen,

I think I messed up. A girl in my class had to get stitches in her arm, and this morning I told her that the stitches made her look like Frankenstein. I thought I was being funny. Sometimes other kids say mean stuff about me, so what’s the big deal? But later I saw her crying by herself at recess, and it made me feel bad. I thought making fun of her would make me feel better, but it didn’t. I want to stop being mean to other kids, but I’m not sure how. Can you help me?

– Elise, Florida, 4th grade

Dear Elise,

Wow! It’s great that you can see how your words hurt that girl. And it’s so cool that you want to stop! I would start by talking to a parent or another adult. Find someone you feel safe talking to. That person can help you figure out why you bully other kids sometimes and help you think of things to say and do that aren’t mean. If you’re afraid of getting in trouble, make sure you tell the adult that you’re trying to stop being mean. Maybe you will want to talk about how you feel when kids are mean to you. Remember, NO ONE deserves to be bullied, including you. You have the power to change! Good luck!

Dear Carmen,

I don’t know what to do. Guys that I thought were my friends started sending me really mean text messages about how I run too slow to play baseball with them. I know I’m not the fastest, but I always hit the ball! I don’t want to go to school cuz they call me a turtle when I run. I’m afraid to tell my mom cuz she might take away my phone to make it stop. I don’t want to lose my phone. What do I do?

– Andy, Washington, 6th grade

Dear Andy,

I wish I could always hit the ball! I think that is way more important than running fast in baseball. I know you don’t want to go to school, but school is pretty important, so you should talk to your teacher about the texts. You should also talk to your mom. I get why you’re afraid of her taking your phone away, but make sure you tell her that it’s not the phone that’s the problem – it’s these other guys. I bet she’ll understand. And there are lots of ways she can help you take care of the problem, by blocking the guys’ numbers or something. And when they call you a turtle, remind them that the turtle won the race, not the speedy rabbit!

Dear Carmen,

I’m so mad that I don’t know what to do. Yesterday at school I heard a boy in my class call someone else a “retard” after they ran into a door. My little brother has Down syndrome –—that’s a disability he was born with. It means he is in special education classes and that he learns differently. It makes me SO mad when people use that word! It makes me feel like they’re calling my little brother dumb or clumsy, but he’s not! He’s not like everyone else. It’s cool that he is different, and he is really really good at video games. How can I make kids stop using that word?

– Tatiana, Minnesota, 4th grade

Dear Tatiana,

It’s OK to get mad sometimes, as long as you don’t take that anger out on other people. I think I would be mad, too. Good for you for wanting to stick up for your little brother – he sounds awesome! When kids say words like “retard,” sometimes they don’t really know what they’re saying. So first, I think you should try to talk to this boy. Don’t be mad at him, but tell him about your brother. Then tell him that word makes people like your brother and you feel bad, and he shouldn’t use it to call people dumb. If that doesn’t work, talk to your teacher. Your teacher knows that this is important! Maybe you could even talk to your class about your cool little brother. You could help them understand Down syndrome a little better. Doing that is called advocacy—that means looking out for others. Sometimes kids make fun of things that they don’t understand. If you explain what Down syndrome is, it might make them think twice about calling someone a name that is hurtful to others. Your brother is lucky to have a big sister like you!

Dear Carmen,

At school some kids tease me because I was adopted from Ethiopia. They say that I’m not a real American. We had to do a report about our families, and they made fun of mine. They said I don’t have real parents and that no one in my country wanted me. I know I look different than other kids cuz my skin color is darker than most of the kids. But I’ve lived here a LONG time and this is my country! I used to like being a little different, but I don’t like getting teased for it. What should I do?

– Anna, Wisconsin, 3rd Grade

Dear Anna,

I think differences are AWESOME. Things would be super boring if everybody looked and talked the same. The things that make us different make us interesting, too. I think it’s super cool that you come from Ethiopia! It sounds like the other kids don’t understand much about adoption or know what your story really is. Maybe you can ask your teacher if your class could learn about Ethiopia. I know it’s in Africa because I looked at the globe. Then maybe the teacher can have you talk about how your parents adopted you from Ethiopia. Maybe you have a scrapbook or photos from when you were adopted that you can bring to share. Everybody is a little different in some way. Being different makes you special!

Dear Carmen,

Every day I get bullied on the school bus. Kids throw pencils at me or steal my lunch and toss it around. The bus driver doesn’t hear cuz the bus is so loud. She doesn’t even see it! I told my mom and she said to just stay away from the bullies. But I can’t! I have to ride the bus and they are always there. Today I told my mom I was sick cuz I didn’t want to ride the bus. I wasn’t really sick. I like school but I hate the bus! I don’t know what to do.

– Isaac, North Carolina, 2nd grade

Dear Issac,

Lots of kids get bullied on a bus. But it’s not right! Every kid should be able to ride the bus and be safe. First, tell the bus driver about it. Then maybe you can sit by the driver so she can hear what’s going on. The kids can’t bully you if she can hear everything. You should try talking to your mom again, too. It sounds like she wants to help, but didn’t quite get it. Tell her that it’s really hard to stay away from those kids on the bus. Be brave, and ask for help again until you get it. No one should be bullied on the bus!

Dear Carmen,

There’s this girl in our class who has a special helper with her all the time and sometimes she goes to other classes. She doesn’t talk much. When she talks it sounds different and kids make fun of her. But she seems really nice. She always eats lunch alone and I want to ask her to sit with me and my friends. But I don’t know if I should. Can you help?

– Rose, Texas, 4th grade

Dear Rose,

It’s really awesome that you want to make friends with this girl. It’s no fun to be all alone at lunch, and I bet she would love to sit you with! You said that she talks differently. Sometimes things can be a little scary if we don’t understand them. But that shouldn’t keep you from being someone’s friend. Some kids have trouble talking, but you could just go up to her and ask. Or you could tell your teacher that you want to have lunch with this girl, and your teacher could help. Even when kids have something different about them, they usually want the same things you want. They want to play with friends and have fun! When you get to know this girl, you might find out you have a lot in common. Then it won’t make any difference that she talks differently.

Dear Carmen,

Today I saw a kid in my class making faces and copying Jeremy while he talked. Jeremy is deaf, so he couldn’t hear what was happening. And Jeremy couldn’t see the kid either, because he was standing behind him. I’ve never talked to Jeremy before, but he brought some really great insects to school last week and I wanted to ask him about them. I don’t think other kids should make fun of how he talks. I actually think it’s cool how he can talk with his hands. Do you think I can help him somehow?

– Treyvon, Kentucky, 5th grade

Dear Treyvon,

I think sign language is pretty cool too, and I know you can help Jeremy! Here’s an idea. If you see someone being mean to Jeremy behind his back, ask him to hang out with you. Even if he can’t hear, he probably knows that this boy isn’t being nice to him. Having a friend there will help. You can also tell your teacher what’s happening, and that will help, too. Just hanging out with Jeremy will make the other kids think twice about saying things behind his back. Why don’t you write him a note and ask him to show you his insect collection? Maybe he could even teach you some words in sign language!

Dear Carmen,

Why do kids have to bully so much?

– Jackie, 4th grade

Dear Jackie,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been bullied. It’s not ok, and it’s not your fault.

Kids bully for all sorts of reasons. There’s no one reason someone bullies or one kind of person who bullies. Some kids bully because they don’t know how much it’s really hurting the other person, or because they think it makes them look cool. Others believe that some kids deserve to be bullied because they think they’re weak or unpopular. Sometimes the kid who’s bullying is trying to gain control over someone else because there are other things going on in their life that they can’t control. Many kids who bully are actually being bullied themselves as well. These aren’t the only reasons kids choose to bully, but they’re some of the most common ones.

Dear Carmen,

Why do kids bully mostly at recess? I have been to five different schools and the third school I went to the kids hit me with sticks. The school I go to right now kids call me really mean names almost every fourth grader calls me that mean name my friend says the teachers will make them stop but I do do not think so.

– Britton, 4th grade

Dear Britton,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been bullied at school. The first thing I want you to know is that it is not your fault. Bullying can happen to anyone.

To answer your first question, kids bully for all sorts of reasons. There’s no one reason someone bullies or one kind of person who bullies. Some kids bully because they don’t know how much it’s really hurting the other person, or because they think it makes them look cool. Others believe that some kids deserve to be bullied because they think they’re weak or unpopular. Sometimes the kid who’s bullying is trying to gain control over someone else because there are other things going on in their life that they can’t control. Many kids who bully are actually being bullied themselves as well. These aren’t the only reasons kids choose to bully, but they’re some of the most common ones. Bullying often happens in places were there aren’t a lot of adults around, which might be why it happens at recess a lot.

Your friend is right, teachers can be a big help with bullying. Try telling your teacher, and if it doesn’t help, try talking to your principal. You should also tell your parents what’s happening. All of these adults care about you and wan to help you.

Dear Carmen,

How can you get bullying to stop?

– Latara

Dear Latara,

Thanks so much for sending your question. Here are some ideas:

For the student being bullied…

The first thing to remember is that it’s not your fault. No one ever deserves to be bullied. It can also help to tell an adult or a friend about what’s going on. Lots of kids who are bullied don’t tell anyone because they’re afraid or don’t want to be seen as a “tattle tale.” But most adults really want to help, and your friends can be powerful supporters. It’s also important to stand up for yourself, but don’t get in a fight. Getting mad or retaliating can often escalate the situation and make things worse – but that doesn’t mean you just have to ignore what’s happening to you. Surround yourself with people who care about you and who will speak up for you. And remember that the bullying has more to do with the person doing it than you. You don’t deserve to be bullied, and you have the right to feel safe in school.

For students that witness bullying…

Students who witness bullying have a powerful role in the situation. The most important thing to do is not join in the bullying by laughing or supporting the student bullying. It’s also important to remember that there are a lot of ways you can help and you can do what feels safe to you. The most effective way to stop a bullying situation is to show support for the student being bullied. You can do this by talking to them, telling them that what happened to them isn’t ok, or inviting them to join you in an activity. By reminding this student that he or she isn’t alone, you can make a huge difference. Bystanders can also help by telling an adult, since the student who is being bullied might not feel ready to do it themselves. Research shows that most bullying situations will stop when a peer does something. This doesn’t always mean confronting the student who’s bullying directly. You can show support for the target in a lot of different ways, but it’s important to let them know that they aren’t alone.

For students who are bullying…

For many students who engage in bullying behavior, there is something else going on in their lives that causes them to lash out at other students. And many are being bullied themselves. That doesn’t make their actions okay at all, but it’s important to remember that the student who is bullying needs help too. The best thing students who are bullying can do is to get help from parents, teachers, or other adults to try and find better ways of interacting with others.

Dear Carmen,

If a kid does something mean to you and then blames you, what should you do?

– Isabel, 5th grade

Dear Isabel,

Thanks so much for writing to us. It sounds like you’re dealing with a difficult situation. The first thing I think you should do is tell a teacher about what’s going on. Make sure they know your side of the story. And remember that if you are being bullied, it is never your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve being treated badly.

Dear Carmen,

What is bullying?

– Tiffany, 3rd grade

Dear Tiffany,

Bullying is when one person is hurting another person on purpose with words or behavior, the person being hurt has a hard time making it stop, and the kids who are doing it have more power. Power can mean the person bullying is older, bigger, more popular, or there’s a group of kids who gang up on someone.

A lot of kids say bullying is “When someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself.”

Dear Carmen,

I have this friend and she is like my BFF, but this past week, she’s been telling me how she doesn’t like my hair or my shoes. She says these mean things and I don’t know what to do. I also tried to talk to her about the problem about 5 times. I said it without screaming or being mean but she just cries. I hate it when she cries. It makes me upset. What should I do?

– Isabel, 5th grade

Dear Tiffany,

I first want to say that it is very brave of you to write to us about this. It isn’t always easy to talk to someone about bullying, but I’m really glad you did.

It sounds like you have the right idea about talking to her calmly and nicely, but it doesn’t look like that’s worked. I would suggest talking to a parent, teacher, or other adult you trust. They’ll be able to help you figure this out. One thing that they could do is go with you to talk to your friend. It doesn’t have to be a big confrontation, but having an adult there might help the two of you talk things out.

It’s important that your friend knows that the things she’s saying hurt you. You obviously care about her feelings, because seeing her cry makes you upset. So I bet that she doesn’t want to hurt you either. Maybe you could try writing her a letter about how you feel when she says mean things to you. Have a trusted adult read the letter before you give it to her just to make sure you don’t say anything that could hurt her feelings. It sounds like neither one of you really wants to hurt the other one, so I think if the two of you can talk about how you’re feeling, that might help.

Dear Carmen,

I may have made a girl mad at me. I think that I made her choose between me and her other friend. What can I do? We are like sisters and I don’t want to loose her. I just need her. I am going through a hard time right now. I need to know what I can do to solve the problem.

– Haley, 8th grade

Dear Haley,

I first want to say that it is very brave of you to write to us about the issue you’re having. It’s really hard sometimes to admit when you’ve done something wrong. Even adults struggle to do this. But it’s the only way we can learn from our mistakes, so thank you for being brave.

It sounds like you and your friend are very close. I think the best thing you can to is to apologize to her. Maybe try telling her how sorry you are for making her choose between friends and how much her friendship means to you. But most importantly, and this might be hard, I would suggest telling her that she doesn’t have to choose between you and her other friend. Maybe you don’t want to be friends with her friend; that’s ok. But sometimes we have to spend time with people who aren’t our friends in order to keep the friends that are really important to us.

I think it’s also important for you to think about why you told her that she had to choose. If you can figure out what made you say those things, then you can talk to your friend about them and find a different way to make yourself feel better. It sounds to me like your friend really cares about you, and I bet if you can say you’re sorry, she’ll be willing to talk things out with you.

Finally, I would encourage you to talk to a parent or teacher that you trust about this. Sometimes it can be scary to ask adults for help, but they will have some good ideas for how you can go about making your situation better.

Dear Carmen,

Being bullied is no fun. One time at school, a girl was beating up a little boy and he went to the nurse and was sent home for a week! I would of helped but I would also be called names and getting bullied as well. My question is should I help or be a bystander?

– Ephraim, 7th grade

Hi Ephraim,

Thanks so much for sending us your question. It can be really hard to say something when you see bullying – but it’s really important to do something. Imagine if you were being bullied, and no one stood up for you. How would you feel?

Students who witness bullying have a powerful role in the situation. The most important thing to do is not join in the bullying by laughing or supporting the student bullying. It’s also important to remember that there are a lot of ways you can help and you can do what feels safe to you. The most effective way to stop a bullying situation is to show support for the student being bullied. You can do this by talking to them, telling them that what happened to them isn’t ok, or inviting them to join you in an activity. By reminding this student that he or she isn’t alone, you can make a huge difference. Bystanders can also help by telling an adult, since the student who is being bullied might not feel ready to do it themselves. Research shows that most bullying situations will stop when a peer does something. This doesn’t always mean confronting the student who’s bullying directly. You can show support for the target in a lot of different ways, but it’s important to let them know that they aren’t alone.

It’s really great that you want to help, and it’s ok to be scared about getting bullied yourself. But remember that you can help the person being bullied while keeping yourself safe. Just let them know that they aren’t alone – that’s the best thing you can do.

Dear Carmen,

How do you know if your friend is a true friend?

– Alia, 5th grade

Hi Alia,

It can be hard sometimes to know who is a true friend. Even adults have trouble doing this sometimes! A true friend can be many things. They can be the one who makes you feel good about yourself, who apologizes if they hurt your feelings, and who you feel safe around. A true friend is someone who would not want to hurt your feelings or your body on purpose, frighten or intimidate you, or make you feel bad about yourself. A true friend is often the person who likes you for who you are, and doesn’t try to change you.

A true friend is someone who makes you feel happy, safe, and confident!

Dear Carmen,

I bully sometimes. What should I do to quit? I want to quit but I can’t.

– Mason, 6th grade

Hi Mason,

Thanks so much for writing to us. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’ve made mistakes and to ask for help changing your behavior. Bullying is part of your past – but it doesn’t have to be part of your future.

The first thing you should do is think about why you bully others. Is there some area of your life that you don’t feel like you can control? Is someone bullying you? What do you get out of bullying someone, and how might you get the things you need without hurting others?

It sounds like you’re starting to understand that bullying can be really hurtful. No one deserves to be bullied, no matter how different they are from everyone else, and you don’t have to bully others in order to fit in with the group. You have the power to change your behavior and you don’t have to do it alone. There are adults in your life who want to help you. Talk to a parent, a teacher, a coach, a counselor – any adult that you trust – and explain to them that you know you’ve made mistakes in the past, but you want to change your behavior. Think about how good it will feel to know you’re doing the right thing. Your classmates will recognize that you’re trying to change your behavior, and that will create a much better environment for you.

You should be really proud that you’re recognizing your bullying behavior taking steps to change it.

Good luck!

Dear Carmen,

Sometimes i feel like trying to fit in with some friends and when i do fit in i bully so how would i stop bullying and keeping my friendship?

– Jonny, 5th grade

Hi Jonny,

You should be proud of yourself for admitting that your bullying behavior is wrong; that’s really not easy to do. Even some adults struggle to admit when they’ve done something wrong. And it can be really hard to stand up to peer pressure. It takes courage, and it’s wonderful that you want to do that.

The best thing you can do is ask for help from an adult you trust. This could be a parent, aunt or uncle, teacher, coach, counselor, etc. Any adult that you feel safe talking to will be able to help you figure out how to resist the pressure from your friends to bully. If you have other friends that don’t bully, try asking them for help too. Your friends can be powerful supporters. And remember, if your friends are trying to pressure you into doing something you know is wrong, they aren’t being very good friends. Talking with an adult might help you be able to talk to your friends who are bullying, and help them change their behavior too. If they see you acting differently, they might realize that what they’re doing is wrong. You might even find that there are other friends in the group who feel pressured to bully too, and they can help you talk to your other friends.

Good luck!

Carmen